My name is Laura and I lost my only sibling, my brother Brian, to suicide in October of 2010. He was only 35.
I’ve been writing letters to him as a way to help me express the grief I’m experiencing and decided to publish this blog in the hopes that it may help other people who have also experienced such a loss.
I do need to say that some of it may be difficult to read. I have chosen not to modify or filter my thoughts in any way that may make them less true for the sake of making others more comfortable. Grieving the suicide loss of someone close to you is not a comfortable process and I wanted to honor that by remaining as truthful as possible. The best way through the grief is just that– through it, not around it. Those feelings need to be dealt with– if not now, they’ll find their way out sooner or later. Very painful things come up and often those around us would like the feelings to go away and just want the “old us” back. The problem with that is that person no longer exists; the very fabric of our being has been irriversibly changed and there are a lot of feelings that go along with learning to survive in our “new normal.”
While some of it may sound alarming please know that I am OK– this is the process that works best for me as I continue to grieve the loss of my only brother. If even one person out there reads my letters and feels just a little less crazy or a little less alone… I’ll have considered this a great success.
I’ve also included links to a few great websites off to the right– I have no affiliation with them but they are wonderful organizations relating to mental health, self-injury support and suicide prevention and awareness. I’d like to extend a special thank you to The Christi Center. They offer free grief support groups here in Austin, Texas. I began attending their Tuesday evening meetings for survivors of suicide a few weeks after Brian’s death and their love, help and support have been absolutely invaluable to me.
Thank you for reading!
January 17, 2013 at 10:49 pm
Thank you for sharing. xo
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 25, 2013 at 3:42 pm
Thank you, Laura. You show a lot of courage in being so vulnerable. Brian is alive in the words you share.
LikeLiked by 1 person
October 21, 2013 at 12:58 pm
I feel like you have gone inside of my mind and saw everything I am thinking and feeling about the writing of our lost loved ones. I also hold nothing back…welll almost nothing. I worry that many things will alarm my family. But the reality of what is left behind in a suicide needs to be put out there in all of is ugliness and honesty. You can’t sugarcoat it because if you do, no one will ever understand the depth of the horribleness of it. And besides, it helps me to get it out. I see it does you too. Thank you for your blog.
LikeLiked by 1 person
October 31, 2013 at 3:29 pm
Thank you for your blog as well, Rhonda. I’m finding your words are helping me, too! And I hope you write that book!
LikeLike
October 31, 2013 at 6:06 pm
Thank you. I’m glad it helps people. It helps me.
LikeLike
February 24, 2014 at 10:23 am
Thank you for letting me know that my voice is dealing with my loss is being heard as well. I pray for continued comfort and strength for all those who are struggling either in their loss or mental health issues.
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 5, 2013 at 6:08 pm
Thanks for sharing
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 5, 2013 at 6:51 pm
Thank you !
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 5, 2013 at 6:54 pm
I’ll follow you 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 12, 2014 at 8:03 pm
I just came across your website, this evening. I lost my brother to suicide 7 months ago. He was also my only sibling. It is still early in the healing process for my folks and I. Your site brought me comfort knowing you understand.
~Kristine
Boston, MA
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 13, 2014 at 11:41 am
Hi Kristine, I’m so sorry for your loss. 7 months is not long at all and I can imagine all the pain you are still feeling– it was so raw for me at that stage, too. I’m glad you found come comfort in the blog, thank you for reading.
Love,
Laura
LikeLike
March 18, 2014 at 9:31 pm
It has been 24 days since my only sister took her life. She was 12 years younger than me, only 28. I feel
Like the world should have stopped turning but it didn’t. Time is moving in huge leaps and in minuscule increments at the same time. It seems like a long time has passed and like it was just yesterday at the same time. Part of me cannot believe it is true yet. I don’t know how to cope with the pain. I have a family and yet loosing her makes me feel like I’m alone now.
LikeLike
March 19, 2014 at 9:09 am
Oh Misty, I’m so terribly sorry. I know exactly what you mean about feeling like the world should have stopped turning… I clearly remember walking around one afternoon about a month after Brian died and it was beautiful and sunny out and every person I passed on the street was bouncing around and smiling seemingly without a care and it hurt so much– I wanted the world to stop and wait for me to feel like joining them again.
I also know what you mean about feeling alone. I also felt so alone though I have family and the support of a group of friends… but it’s hard because this is a tragedy that a lot of people aren’t comfortable talking about so it often feels as though you have to grieve in private and on your own. I’m here anytime you want to talk, Misty.
I’m sending you a personal message so you have my email address if you ever want someone to talk to who understands! Thinking of you and your family. Love, Laura
LikeLike
April 14, 2014 at 9:42 pm
Misty – I am so sorry for your loss – I am unsure if you saw my post above, but I also lost my only sibling 7 months ago – I agree, I will never get over this – I may be able to accept it better in time, but life will never be the same – I carry him with me everywhere I go – I see stores, cars, songs, etc that remind me of him, each time I travel alone – Like he is my co-pilot. We are going through the same feelings, it is normal to feel this way. We will continue to go through waves of emotions. I will feel better once we get through the “Firsts” of everything – Then I will have a better handle of how things will feel each year going forward. My brother was a wonderful person, life just got a bit too much for him. A real loss to all of us. I will keep you in my thoughts.
~Kristine
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 8, 2014 at 11:05 pm
It’s been 6 weeks. I finally saw a grief counselor. Just the fact that she said I’m not crazy to feel what I feel helped me a little. I couldn’t get dressed today. I cried 4 or 5 times.
I am so grateful that you have had the courage to write this blog.
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 14, 2014 at 9:22 am
Misty, I’m so glad you saw a grief counselor. And you are absolutely NOT crazy. The feelings we have after our sibling takes their own life are so upsetting and confusing and our emotions are all over the map. Just allow yourself to feel all of it… you deserve to take care of yourself now. I’m glad you’re here and that you found the blog! ❤ 🙂
LikeLike
April 14, 2014 at 9:27 am
Why does it feel like other people think I should be “over this thing” and ready to “get back on the horse”? I have heard so many well- meaning friends and family tell me that I will get over it. NO!! I will NEVER GET OVER IT! I know one day I will be able to cope with it, and deal with it, but it is a part of me and I will NEVER “get over” this loss.
LikeLike
June 6, 2014 at 8:16 pm
Misty, I commented below, a message to you and other siblings of those lost. I hope you’ll read it. I’m so sorry for the pain you feel right now. I understand. I wish I didn’t.
LikeLike
April 14, 2014 at 9:37 am
You know, that was one of the most frustrating things I heard– that I should “move on” and “stop torturing myself” and “you know, Brian wouldn’t want you to be sad.” Seriously? I know that. But the thing is… he killed himself and he doesn’t have a choice in deciding whether or not I get to be sad now because I AM. You know? The “Brian wouldn’t want you to be so sad” comment was one of the worst for me and continues to be– because I just AM. And you’re right— we don’t ever get “over” it… we just learn to live with the pain. ❤ ❤ ❤
LikeLike
April 29, 2014 at 11:10 am
Hi Laura, Thank you so much for sharing. I lost my little brother Jonathan to suicide five months ago and I’m still struggling to make sense of it all. I have spoken to others who have lost a parent or friend, and blogged about my own experiences, but hadn’t read the perspective of a sibling until I found your blog today. So much of what you have written resonates, and I admire your courage and openness.
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 29, 2014 at 1:01 pm
Hi Meghan! I’m so very sorry for your loss of your brother, Jonathan. I know exactly what you mean about there being a lot of dialogue out there for others but little for siblings specifically. That’s what led me to start writing, so I’m glad you found the page. If you’re interested, there is a documentary that is just being released about sibling survivors– I was one of the 4 sisters interviewed and the director lost her own brother to suicide as well.
The link is here: http://vimeo.com/ondemand/foursisters
Here is their Facebook page as well: https://www.facebook.com/foursistersdoc
Please stay in touch, I’m glad you’re here!!
❤ Laura
LikeLike
June 6, 2014 at 8:19 pm
Meghan, I commented below a message that I hoped you’d read. I’m so sorry for your loss of Jonathan.
LikeLike
June 7, 2014 at 8:51 pm
I can so relate to all of your posts – My brother’s one year anniversary will be coming up in August – Hard to believe it has been almost a year without him – I think of him each morning and each night driving home from work – I look up at the sky for some type of sign – I watch the clouds more often now – It is a void that will never be filled – It is the emptiness I feel weighs me down – No other siblings – Just me – My folks are aging – Times will become tougher without him – My Rock – The one who understood, listened and was always there – I get signs and hope they are from him – A flash of light, or a single leaf that falls when there are no other leaves around etc – Does he really think we are going to forget him? I have another forty years or so on this earth without him – The worst feeling in the world – Most days I smile through the pain, and other nights I need a good cry – He will always be my guardian angel
~Kristine
LikeLike
May 30, 2014 at 11:38 am
Beautiful Laura, I’m so very sorry for your brothers death, I’m glad our blogs and the Christi Center connect us now.
LikeLiked by 1 person
May 30, 2014 at 12:00 pm
I’m glad, too! Good luck in your journey!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
May 30, 2014 at 12:55 pm
Thank you for visiting my blog so I could find yours. This is really crazy, but I started my other blog at Christmas time (I lost the blog through my own fault trying to transfer it). Dec is the anniversary of my only brother’s suicide and I still can hardly get through the month. That was 32 years ago–when we were 30 (him) and 28. I continued a life of torment over it. At the time, I googled about it and found your story! And now you’ve somehow found my NEW blog that began yesterday. I just want to say thank you now, for directing your pain in such a positive way.
LikeLiked by 1 person
May 30, 2014 at 12:59 pm
Wow, that is amazing. I think everything happens for a reason– I’m glad I found your blog! 32 years is a long time– I’ve been preparing myself for a lifetime of missing him everyday. Can’t wait to read more of your new blog!! ❤
LikeLike
June 1, 2014 at 2:53 pm
I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. My thoughts are with you as you go through this process, and I admire your determination to meet the grief straight on. My best wishes to you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
June 3, 2014 at 8:07 am
It’s been just over 3 months now since I lost my only sibling. My sister. My baby sister. 12 years younger than me. It seems like a very very long time and then it seems like yesterday and then it goes back to those first few days and weeks, like it isn’t even real.
I’ve had one beautiful and sweet dream of her. It was comforting and I treasure it. But the last couple of weeks I have been having terrifying nightmares about her. Scary movie stuff. Dreams of waking to her staring at me in my bed. And so much worse. I don’t know what to attribute it to. I am now afraid to go to sleep out of fear of having an awful nightmare. I miss her terribly and as much as I want to see her, not like this. I feel like something must be wrong with me for me to dream such terrible things.
LikeLike
June 4, 2014 at 12:02 pm
Misty, I am so sorry. I just sent you a private message via email.
LikeLike
June 6, 2014 at 8:15 pm
Laura, I saw your post this morning and have been thinking about it all day. I just came back to read the comments before I commented and it breaks my heart to feel the pain of those who have recently experienced a sibling loss to suicide and trying to “get over it.” I’ve mentioned before that I started my blog in Dec because I was unable to “get over” the suicide of my brother. And that was 32 years ago! But we didn’t have computer and blogs and I didn’t have any support so I never moved ahead at all. Blogging has started the recovery. (Unfortunately I recently messed up and deleted my blog! so I’ve started over so all the story isn’t there anymore.) But I have come so far. I hope MISTY and MEHGAN and any others who experience the loss of someone to suicide will pour their hearts out here on WP where I know they will get support in processing their terrible loss. And I again thank YOU Laura for continuing to share your letters to Brian. They express with such honesty and vulnerability the pain of losing a sibling and how there is no such thing as getting over it. With time, we just hope to manage better and do something positive with the experience like you are.
LikeLiked by 1 person
July 17, 2014 at 10:18 am
I lost my younger sister to suicide two months ago, yesterday my grief counsellor gave me the link to the Four Sisters documentary where I was introduced to you on the screen. I watched it twice last night and will be sharing the link with my other surviving sister. These past two months I’ve been walking around in a daze, feeling lost, trying to find answers, replaying what I could have done or said that could have helped her want to survive. Thank you for starting this blog, I feel so much less alone.
LikeLiked by 1 person
July 21, 2014 at 10:56 am
Lynn, I’m so terribly sorry for the loss of your sister. Two months is just so recent and I know how raw and painful it is for you now. I’m glad you found the documentary– Caley did a beautiful job creating a film that really touches people and shows how much pain the siblings, the “forgotten mourners” go through. I’m grateful to have been put in contact with you, Lynn! ❤
LikeLike
September 27, 2014 at 1:11 pm
Hi Laura, I lost my brother, my only sibling, Carlos to suicide on May 18. I live here in Austin, he lived in L.A. It’s all been a nightmare. I watched four sisters. Everything in the film sounded and felt hauntingly familiar. I actually had breakfast with Laurie today after a mutual friend connected me to her. I go to group at Christi Center with Glenn every Tuesday. Everyday is hard. I appreciate all you’ve shared in the blog and film. Maybe we’ll meet one day. I am sorry for your heartache.
LikeLiked by 1 person
October 3, 2014 at 5:29 pm
hi alma! i’m so very sorry for your loss of Carlos. laurie is wonderful, isn’t she? i hope that next time i can join you both… it’s so healing to be around others who get it. i’d love to meet you sometime– laurie has my contact info! hugs to you, my friend! ❤
LikeLike
November 4, 2014 at 8:33 pm
thanks for sharing this. I lost my brother Brian to suicide in 2002. Thank you for sharing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 3, 2014 at 12:05 pm
Hello .. just stopping by because you commented ages ago on a blog post of mine, called An Open Letter to Grief. I just wanted to let you know that I’ve written a short e-book based on that post, called Letters to Grief, and it’s available today through Friday for FREE on Amazon. Based on your comment a while back, I wondered if it might be of interest to you?
Here is the link, if you’d like to check it out!
Thanks so much .. blessings on the rest of your week!
Kate
katemotaung.com
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 26, 2015 at 11:29 pm
I found your blog this evening and so wish I could sit down and share a coffee with you. I too lost my brother, only sibling by suicide last September. I’m still consumed by grief and constant thoughts of his death. I know I’m getting better, stronger but I’m still so sad. I miss him so much and am still in complete shock that this really happened. I feel so alone, no longer having a sibling. I also feel so disconnected from everyone. I struggle every day with wanting to push these thoughts of him out of my head yet so worried I will forget him. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I find that reading your posts is comforting. Many people around me expect me to move on, be happy and put this horrible tragedy in the past. I am getting better, stronger, happier but think about my brother and his death every hour of every day.
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 27, 2015 at 8:46 am
Hi Beth,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your only sibling. All of the things you are experiencing are completely normal… everything you described is what I’ve also experienced. I’m so glad you reached out because finding others who can relate to our experience is so healing and helpful.
I too wish we could sit down for a cup of coffee and talk. If you’d like to email me and chat, feel free to do so! l_habedank@yahoo.com
Sending you good thoughts and hope to hear from you.
Love,
Laura
LikeLike
March 16, 2015 at 5:53 am
Thank you for sharing. I lost my only sibling last year. He was 32. It’s not easy, is it…. Hugs ❤️
LikeLike
March 30, 2015 at 2:19 pm
I too am a survivor. I lost my 13 year old son Peyton in October of 2104. I started a blog products4peyton.blogspot.com as a way to tell his story, but after reading yours, I may include letters to him as well. Thank you for what you are doing.
LikeLike
April 17, 2015 at 7:37 pm
I am comforted by finding and reading your blog and everyones posts. I don’t feel so alone. I am sorry for everyones loss. I lost my brother 8 months ago in a murder suicide. I don’t even really know what to say here except that reading these posts gives me a little understanding of how to deal with the unsurmountable grief. Nothing will ever be same. I have to deal with this all alone as I tried a suicide support group but It did not work. I could not open up about the murder suicide with fear of how others would feel. I am glad I found your blog.
LikeLike
July 8, 2015 at 2:37 pm
Thanks for sharing. Am looking forward to reading more. Both of my siblings committed suicide and some days are almost unbearable. It’s been 25 years for my sister and 9 years for my brother, but if anything….it hurts now more than ever. The longer that time goes by, the more I miss them and question myself and inability to help them. Thank you so much!
LikeLike
October 16, 2015 at 4:43 pm
I lost my only brother to suicide four days ago. I don’t even know what to do, but I came across your website and I will keep it close by to help me through. Thank you so for sharing.
Kimberly
LikeLike
October 16, 2015 at 5:20 pm
Kimberly, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I really wish I had some magic words for you but I know those words just don’t exist. Please just know that you aren’t alone in your grief. Please feel free to email me if you’d like to talk or would like some help finding resources, I’d be glad to help any way I can. l_habedank@yahoo.com.
Sending love and healing thoughts your way.
-Laura
LikeLike